LIVE AND LET LIVE: a cure when others frustrate you
This quote by Paulo Coelho is so apt.
Most of the things that disturb us are
really in our minds. Or at least in our expectations… of things …of people …
and life.
That’s why the article by Leo Babauta* “When
others frustrate you” struck a close chord in me.
You see, I have been going through a
rough stretch lately.
There is this colleague of mine at work
whom I can’t seem to get along with, no matter how hard I try.
Recently we began to argue and fight
over many things and I began wondering why. It wasn’t always so.
Most of the time i hear or read his remarks on my
work....i see only arrows aimed at me! And truth be told...they sound, look and fly like arrows to me!
And my responses are mostly …well… not
responses really. To be fair, they are more of defences…and a counter-attacks!
And that begets another attack. Then
another defence and counter-attack. And it becomes a vicious cycle that’s not
only frustrating but also sucking out my joie
de vivre.
It’d be irresponsible of me to keep
this going on and on, I told myself.
So the other day I made it a point to
stop responding to his remarks and emails, unless it was absolutely necessary,
and even then, to keep it factual and at the bear minimum.
And just when I thought I had resolved
the issue, he came right at me again. This time he felt I was not updating him
on what was going on at my workspace.
Or, as he put it, I was hiding crucial information
from him. Never mind that there was really nothing to hide!
Now this cycle was getting endless. What’s
the problem with me?
“Here’s the problem: we all get frustrated
with other people. We want our kids to do certain things, our spouses to be
less something or other, our friends to change their lives, our relatives to be
healthier, other people to be less rude, etc etc.” writes Leo.
And because those things are out of our
control and we can’t make them change, it drives us super crazy!
“Trying to change others, wanting them
to be the way we want them to be, just doesn’t work,” writes Leo.
It would seem like I’ve been trying to
change my colleague back to what he was…or at least to what I wanted him to be.
And I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been
trying to change me as well…and that we have been un-knowingly, stoking the fire!
What to do now?
I can hear you whispering to yourself that
I probably need an executive coach…and some prayers!
You wouldn’t be wrong. I
think most of the challenges we face in life cannot simply be reduced into
mathematical formulae. They are complex…with made shades of
gray.
But Leo thinks there is something I can
do immediately and which is in my control.
He suggests that I try the alternative…which
is to let him be however he wants to be!
He says that this is perhaps the most
practical way of dealing with my frustration.
But this is atrocious! …it is simply
unthinkable!
I mean, ‘to live and let live’ is
easier when you read it in fine print and glossy pages.
So, how do I move from point A to B?
Here’s what Leo suggests that I try to
cultivate in myself:
- To remind myself that I don’t control others.
- To remind myself that other people can live their lives however they want...and that life will still be cool.
- To try and see the good in them...even when they are acting like bastards.
- To let go of the ideals that I have of how others should behave...because that’s what is causing me the frustration.
- To try and see that when others are being difficult with me, they could probably be having a hard time coping. And to empathize with this.
- To remind myself how i behave when I’ve had a hard time, when I have struggled with change, and when I’ve been frustrated.
- To do what I can to help them: to be of service, to listen, to make them feel heard, to make them feel accepted.
Gosh! This sounds like some real hard
work.
“I’m not good at this yet, but when I
find my way, it helps. It makes me less frustrated, it helps me to be more
mindful, it improves my relationships, it helps others feel better”, says Leo.
Nothing I have tried has worked so far.
So, I guess it’s my turn now to try
this out.
Join me in this journey...and let’s wish each other some luck!
*Leo
Babauta writes the blog Zen Habits (http://zenhabits.net)
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